Sounds too simple to be the solution, doesn’t it? Especially when we have been taught from a young age that loving ourselves is selfish and therefore, wrong.

So, we spend our days harshly judging ourselves and others. Never once questioning just how wrong that concept is.

We live life seeking a happiness and fulfillment that we can never seem to grasp. Only to discover that we cannot grasp it. It is not outside ourselves. It is within.

The last year has been a whirlwind of self discovery and change. I was at such a low point in my life. And while I have suffered true hardship I my life, this was not one of those times. It was just the first time I had to stop and truly be with myself without distraction.

From the outside looking in, my life appeared to be perfect. I had a beautiful fancy house. Every material thing i could ask for. An amazing family. Still, somehow I still felt depleted and unlovable. I was so unhappy and I felt alone. I felt ashamed and guilty for not being happy.

I asked my shrink what I should do? Do we need to up the meds? I was desperate.

She said “try meditation.”

In that moment I felt more lost and frustrated than ever. Meditate!?! How do you meditate? That is stupid. Who would I even ask?

Wait, I know who to ask. I’ll ask my friend Kat. She does yoga. Bet she knows.

And KNOW she did!!

(I don’t have the words to express the gratitude I feel towards that amazing loving soul. That is a novel for another day.)

She invited me over for a session. I had no idea what I was getting into, I was just excited to hang with my friend.

That day changed EVERYTHING!

I have known Kat for years. Pretty amazing how after almost 2 decades of knowing each other, she helped introduce me to my true self.

Up to this point I only knew versions of myself. The parts I played.

I knew my packaged “customer service” version of myself. The overly nice people pleasing version. That super angry guarded version. The victimized little girl. The hard worker. The selfless giver. The mom. CC. Dog lady. And while all of these things were me. None of them were. The me I really was had not been discovered yet.

Ever wonder WHY you are the way you are?

I suppose up to that point I never took the time. Didn’t know I needed to. I did.

I discovered that essentially my entire personally was a trauma response. Yikes.

So, if that isn’t me. Who am I?

This journey gave me those answers.

Moving forward with love and compassion for myself has changed my life.

With time and work I weened off the anxiety and adhd meds I had been on for over a decade. Finally quit smoking after over 20 years. Started running in the woods with my dog. Yoga. Eating better. Drinking water. Finally taking care of myself. Because I finally knew I deserve it. I love the shit out of me. Because I’m freakin awesome. And I will treat myself as such.

While this has not been an easy journey. I assure you that it was soooo worth it.

I am a better mother. A better partner. A better friend. A better me. A much happier and healthier me. A me worth loving the shit out of. And I do.

Some days are easier than others. And it comes in layers. But I know I can handle anything that is thrown at me. Because I always have. Now that I have compassion and love for myself, I am unstoppable. And I love the shit out of that.