He’s having a great time. He doesn’t want to be bothered with me; he doesn’t really love me.

The uncomfortably familiar weight settles in Sally’s stomach as fearful thoughts launch like a smooth-start engine.

It’s been three hours since Sally called her partner, and still no callback.

“Should I be thinking he misses me?” she asks.

This view that thoughts create reality gets under my skin.

As someone who works with mindset, I’m sure I’m not supposed to say that. And, OK, it’s not entirely untrue. Thoughts do play a role in creating reality.

But it’s a frustratingly simplistic way to describe a nuanced experience. Thoughts on their own don’t create reality. If they did, the world would be a scary place.

But anyone that has worked with me or who’s heard my rant knows that I take a bit of issue with stopping at this level of thinking, and especially with affirmations. Or at least the way they can be misused.

Except for those who already have the internal groundwork laid for the thing they want to bring into their life -- like belief and identity -- the idea that you can just repeat what you want, throw an “I am” or an “I have” in front of it and it’ll just take care of itself is an incomplete picture. Action and vibrational alignment are also big pieces to creating reality, though I'm not touching on them here.

And there definitely are people who have and do use affirmations in the way I described. I can for some things in life. And not so much in others.

And when they don't work that way, it's because you’re moving through heavy stories tied to an identity that isn’t aligned with what you want to create. And in that case, affirmations done that way is the longest way possible. Or worse. A dead-end.

Something like the never-ending story.

Assuming a state is about so much more than the words you tell yourself.

Take, for example, a woman I was speaking with recently. She wants to reconnect a broken relationship. And as someone who resurrected a relationship with barely a word, I know that it’s completely possible to change your life with your energy – in seemingly impossible ways. But thoughts aren’t the only energy.

And this particular woman has heard a lot of people say that thoughts create reality and that she can just affirm they are back together and her subconscious mind will believe it and then, more or less, POOF! She gets her partner back and can skip off and live her dream life.

😒

But this woman’s perception is that her partner has lost love for her. And so, she experiences sadness, doubt, and anxiety daily, fearing that reconciliation might not happen (just like almost every person ever that’s been dumped. No judgment. I get it. I used to experience the emotions and perceptions that came with the instructions on the package – and some days I forget and revert to factory settings for a bit).

And, not only do they overpower her ability to align energetically with those affirmations, that perception keeps her stuck since it’s in place because she unconsciously identifies as someone who’s been abandoned and unwanted. And, don’t read me wrong, affirmations done the right way can be a great compliment to any mindset work. And this means that they need to help you shift your emotions and your perceptions to move from from the person that just wants it into being the person who already has it or is it.

But when there’s a conflict between identity and what you want to create, it’s going to take more conscious effort than affirmations or just catching your thoughts to create – or even just to shift that perception. Assuming a State is about more than the thoughts you think. And for people whose identity is out of alignment with what they want, often starting at the thought level is too close to the surface to make that energetic shift. A lot of people just end up confirming their limited identity that way.

Conscious thoughts are pretty near the surface in the hierarchy of creating self-concept if you want to change your reality. Want to know what you actually believe and who you think you are? Listen to your emotions. Your body is a significant part of your unconscious mind (but I’ll get into that in a future post), so your emotions around any specific subject are the language of your subconscious mind and your vibrations for that subject. And when you experience heavy emotions of fear, doubt, anxiety, apathy, or grief, those emotions are driving the stories. These are where affirmations are a dead-end road, because your nervous system (which is a significant part of your unconscious mind) doesn't respond and won't let that in. And then your brain knows you're lying. And guess what that means for Assuming the State of having/being.

And while your thoughts can affect your emotions, you can also think thoughts that don't affect your emotions, like “I’m a little teapot”. I even put "I am" in front of it, and I'm still not short or stout (well, except when I stand next to my towering daughters), and if you tip me over I don't pour tea out. Unless I happen to be holding a cup of it at the time.

I do like tea, so I guess that part's possible.

But in all seriousness, hopefully, from this example, you can see why thoughts on their own don't create reality. That there are gatekeepers in place to structure the reality you experience.

Because, if affirming that lead me to believe I was a little teapot, I might also end up in psychiatric care. And if I became a little teapot just by affirming it, everyday life would be more like a heavy acid trip.

So, there are structures to reality that guard the gates between your conscious thoughts and what you create in your life.

Perception, which is tied to your identity – the space where creation is really at -- is one such structure. And while it’s not the only thing tied into identity, it’s the one I’m talking about today.

Your perception is a bit like a pinhole that your conscious mind looks through before shaping – or distorting – your understanding of what’s going on.

Your perception affects the reality you experience more than the words you tell yourself. It shows you who you feel and believe you are. Your perception of others is a reflection of your self-concept. Your perception of love, money, the world. Of everything.

If I perceive life to be hard, that tells me something about how I truly see myself in relationship to life and to my own personal power.

So you can redirect your thoughts a million times a day, but if you aren’t looking at the perceptions that are driving those thoughts, you can find yourself caught in an unending series of right-hand turns. Like being in a traffic circle and never taking the exit. You always have the right-of-way but never seem to get to where you want to go.

To understand this further, let’s go back to Sally. I’ve been working with her as she reconciles her relationship. And she is creating phenomenal shifts. She’s gone from being avoided, denied, or ignored to calls, hand-holding, dates, and intimate moments. And her relationship, in the right energy structure will continue to blossom.

And that comes from catching those perceptual shifts when they happen. Not just jamming some different thoughts (that she probably doesn’t believe at her core) in there. Assuming a state is about more than just the thoughts you think.

And when we explored the perception she was holding, the identity she’d slipped back into, and the event that had triggered it, we were able to uncover a different reality. One that’s aligned with what she’s creating and not with the lack and separation she’s leaving behind.

The reality that her partner wasn’t out enjoying life because she wasn’t there. Sally recently experienced a loss, and he was busy out taking care of things that she might usually do so she could have the space to grieve and take care of herself. And he was just not paying attention to his phone -- as usual. Which reflects care and concern. Not living it up without her.

If you want to create a more connected relationship with your current partner or to reconnect to a partner that feels like they are slipping away from you, or has slipped away from you, it all comes down to noticing who you are in every moment.

Catching that subtle shift when you slip out of that feeling of being the person who is love and when you slip into that feeling of being the person wanting it, the person chasing it, the person losing it, or even the person who is pushing it away.

Holding that space of already being that which you desire is where change happens. And the truth, without all the fears and limitations that you’ve layered over it, is that you already are that which you desire. You just have to accept it in every moment. And file the rest under the category, Useless Noise.

But unless you develop your awareness of the subtle difference between those versions of yourself, trying to stay aligned can feel like trying to stand stationary on a treadmill. It doesn’t have to be hard, there are simple strategies, like presence, that you can use to hack your ability to manage your experience.

Join me next time when I'll dive into how your focus affects your perception and how focusing on the wrong part of "The End" can derail you from creating your "The End". And don’t forget to sign up to be notified every time I put out new content.

Image by Mathilda Khoo